Monday, March 20, 2017

I saw a puppy today

While I try to pretend my emotions are in check, I know they are not.
This weekend was tough, every morning is tough and bedtime rips my heart out.

This afternoon I needed to get out of the office and happened upon a young woman with had handsome black and white puppy. He was a rescue, missing the end of his tail and @ 12 weeks old.
As I petted him and chatted to the owner, touching his pink toes and puppy belly, it was if I saw Bugsy's life whiz by. Of course he was never that small or that docile but pretty much the past 11.5 yrs flashed through my head and heart.
When I finally walked away I was suppressing an outright bawl.

Which I have held off until now.

When I arrived home from work our neighbor was just finishing a walk with her golden and Bugsy and he played for a brief time. I saw a moment when B went to do one of his signature turns and it hurt, bad.
He considered and made a few attempts to play again but he knew that pain would return.
I knew that when he awoke from his post-dinner nap, it wasn't going to be good. And it wasn't.
The thought that there is NOTHING that can be done to help him crushes me. I mean CRUSHES me.
We will only get worse from here.

Finally after his last business, he makes his way to his bed in our bedroom. There he waits for me to come to bed. For some reason he always lies down on his left side, but when I come to bed he flips to his right side. For months now, more often than not his right leg get stuck underneath and he waits for me to  help.
So I do.
And I lie down next to him stroking his soft head and lumpy, bumpy chest. He literally purs and leans back against me.
It is an extraordinary experience because this is Bugsy. He never wanted or cared for contact. He never needed for me to help or protect him. It's like he knows he's old & weak now and he wants to feel safe and consoled.
Part of me soaks in the love and contact and trust.
Another part of me thinks of this powerful being losing his power and knowing it.

Everyday my heart is struggling and I don't think we are too close to the days in which the decision will be imminent. I fear this journey, but only when Bugsy isn't near me to feel my fear.
I will comfort and console him.
And protect him.
I will reduce his pain to the best of my ability.
I will help this majestic animal transition to an elder statesman.
And I'll cry a lot when no one is looking.

Sunday, March 19, 2017

The clock is ticking

It's so hard to explain what I see and feel.
Two weeks ago, tomorrow, Bugsy woke up OK but within 30 minutes was falling down, his hind end was collapsing.
Being Bugsy, instead of slowing down he went faster. It was horrifying.
While we have no idea exactly what happened or caused  it, later in the day it  was obvious it was his right leg that was collapsing.
He was happy, what else is new.
So the days have passed by and although there's a sense things are normal, they aren't.
He is fighting pain. Fighting weakness. All day, every day.
I am trying to keep him mentally and emotionally happy and satisfied while protecting his physical health.

It's not been easy on my emotional health.

And I can't tell you that it's going well.

The clock is ticking and it isn't going well.
I asked Steve to call our beach place and move it up. I can't see Bugsy being able to enjoy the beach in two months from now. Hopefully, we can move it to April and give him an opportunity to enjoy his beach.

The clock is ticking. It's hard to imagine life without him, however I know he has provided me with every lesson I need to be happy and successful from here on out.
Bugs, you  have no idea how powerful you really are.