the reality of it all

I count my blessings daily as my sweet crazy boy remains sweet, crazy and active.
There are plenty of signs that it won't stay that way for long though. Last May we were told he had a heart murmur. At first I laughed. The dog who had the heart and lungs of a Kenya runner with a heart murmur?
So my vet checked it out (after laughing it off as I did) and lo and behold my boy had suddenly developed a heart murmur.
I didn't think anything of it as there was no indication of it impacting him.

Fast forward to about 2 months ago when I first noticed that his mouth seemed pale, very pale. He'd been very excited at the time and with my knowledge of anatomy and physiology I realized that it was related to the murmur and not a good sign, he wasn't getting enough oxygen.
The good news is that the color comes back once he settles a bit.
The bad news is Bugsy tends to get excited regularly and also stays excited for quite some time.

On Friday he was removing a treat from a toy - as he does multiple times a day - and he suddenly popped up and looked spooked. When he got up he was clearly in pain  (best assessment was neck pain) and remained so all day and into Saturday although the carprofen had helped. I noticed that when his neck was bad his front left foot was cool to touch, not cold, cooler than the other three feet.
He was using it fine and showed no lack of sensitivity but the coolness was yet another sign of poor circulation.

So tonight I am sad. Really sad.
Few things will hurt as badly as losing him.
Honest.

Until then, we will be enjoying life, I promised him years ago that there would be no heroics, no insanity. Quality of life is our goal.

Bugsy, I promise that I will do something with you everyday that makes your eyes light up the way only yours do.
I will not drag you through extensive veterinary examinations and diagnostic tests.
We'll live buddy.
Day by day.
Sunrise by sunrise.

When you cannot be you. When you cannot enjoy a sunrise, I will set you free.